1
00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:11,067
(whistles)
2
00:00:42,901 --> 00:00:46,400
(crowd screaming)
3
00:00:46,434 --> 00:00:48,501
(silence)
4
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,767
(screaming resumes)
5
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:55,701
(horns honking)
6
00:01:01,534 --> 00:01:03,801
(thundering footsteps)
7
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:16,167
(hissing)
8
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,801
What sort of hideous
9
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:20,400
physics-defying behemoth
is this?
10
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:30,033
Duckman!
11
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:31,601
Bernice.
12
00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:33,868
What an amazing coincidence
that you wander by
13
00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:36,100
just as I'm saving the city
from this blow-up doll
14
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:37,868
that somebody accidentally
left connected
15
00:01:37,901 --> 00:01:39,367
to the air pump in his bedroom
16
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,033
while he was busy swiping
batteries from his family's
17
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,367
smoke detectors to use
inside a camcorder.
18
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,100
(dubbed over Japanese):
The monster will destroy us all!
It is big!
19
00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,334
But the doll, she is my friend.
20
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:52,801
You are mad!
We must kill the monster!
21
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:56,067
Nooooooooooo!
22
00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:05,868
(air escaping)
23
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:09,968
Tova, you've come back to me!
24
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:16,400
(sputtering hiss)
25
00:02:16,434 --> 00:02:18,501
You blind ignorant fools!
26
00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:21,501
Why must man always
destroy what he loves?
27
00:02:21,534 --> 00:02:23,000
Can't you see?
28
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:24,868
She was good. She was giving.
29
00:02:24,901 --> 00:02:26,434
She was self-sanitizing.
30
00:02:26,467 --> 00:02:28,901
When will we learn?
When will we learn?
31
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:31,534
When... will... we... learn?!
32
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:33,534
Shut up,
you tufted turd!
33
00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:35,501
That happened
three days ago.
34
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:37,701
Denizens!
35
00:02:37,734 --> 00:02:40,467
Since our reactions
to the inflate-a-mate incident
36
00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:43,067
were more destructive
than the monster itself--
37
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:44,901
and because
of my own craven need
38
00:02:44,934 --> 00:02:48,434
to carve political gain from any
tragedy that presents itself--
39
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:51,033
I, as your mayor,
have called this city meeting
40
00:02:51,067 --> 00:02:54,400
to review our preparedness plan
in case of another disaster.
41
00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:55,434
Disaster?!
42
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,701
There's another disaster?
43
00:02:56,734 --> 00:02:58,234
We're all going to die!
44
00:02:58,267 --> 00:03:02,567
(screaming)
45
00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:04,534
There's no disaster.
46
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:06,834
Geez, I didn't expect
47
00:03:06,868 --> 00:03:09,434
such a tidal wave of reaction.
48
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:10,534
Tidal wave!
49
00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,534
Oh, my God, there's a tsunami!
50
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,167
Tie me to something!
51
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,834
There's no tidal wave either!
52
00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:17,133
Sit down!
53
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:24,000
Now, a brief review
of our current emergency plans
54
00:03:24,033 --> 00:03:27,167
shows they may be
slightly out of date.
55
00:03:30,567 --> 00:03:34,000
So, in order to update and help
us prepare for our next--
56
00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:37,033
and, in this city, inevitable--
crisis,
57
00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:39,534
I've just appointed one
of our leading citizens
58
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:42,033
to be our
civil preparedness coordinator.
59
00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:44,934
Bernice, come on down!
60
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:47,300
(crowd applauding)
61
00:03:47,334 --> 00:03:49,400
Well, your aunt holding court
is where I tune out,
62
00:03:49,434 --> 00:03:52,200
so excuse me
while I kiss the sky.
63
00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:53,434
(humming)
64
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,334
BERNICE:
Listen up!
65
00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:58,267
Tomorrow, we're having
a disaster preparedness drill.
66
00:03:58,300 --> 00:03:59,934
At noon, everyone in this city
67
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,667
is to report to the underground
abandoned biosphere,
68
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:05,200
closed two years ago
when the government discovered
69
00:04:05,234 --> 00:04:07,801
it was just a bunch of guys
in lab coats having sex.
70
00:04:07,834 --> 00:04:09,400
We'll remain there
a short while
71
00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:11,334
until the drill monitors
in Washington
72
00:04:11,367 --> 00:04:12,834
give us the signal
to come out.
73
00:04:12,868 --> 00:04:13,868
Is that clear?
74
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:18,267
* Every Giorgio
and his Armani... *
75
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:24,667
Hey, a Q-Tip.
76
00:04:24,701 --> 00:04:26,701
And one end's almost clean.
77
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,033
Duckman, don't forget
78
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:29,033
today's the day
of the dis...
79
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,300
(metallic scraping)
80
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:33,200
D.J.:
That was a little treat
from Duets Seven
81
00:04:33,234 --> 00:04:34,868
featuring Frank Sinatra
and William Shatner.
82
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,200
A quick reminder,
83
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,868
today is the day
of the disast...
84
00:04:37,901 --> 00:04:38,868
(tires squeal)
85
00:04:38,901 --> 00:04:39,868
Step lively, Pops!
86
00:04:39,901 --> 00:04:41,334
The walker's made for walking.
87
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:43,467
Last thing I need's
another hood ornament.
88
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:46,501
Top o' the mornin',
my porcine partner in swine.
89
00:04:46,534 --> 00:04:48,334
Usual full day of work ahead?
90
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,534
Actually, no.
91
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,067
As every man, woman
and domesticated animal
92
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:53,734
in this city already knows,
we only work a half day today
93
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:55,934
before partaking
in the disaster readiness...
94
00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:59,367
I know you're saying something,
'cause I see your lips moving,
95
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,767
but I haven't heard a word
since "half day"!
96
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,934
Baruch hadah hashem.
97
00:05:04,968 --> 00:05:06,567
Duckman, this isn't
one of those holidays
98
00:05:06,601 --> 00:05:08,133
where you have to pretend
to be Jewish.
99
00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:10,367
This is the day
of the disaster readiness...
100
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,634
Great. Then time's
a-wastin', Seafed.
101
00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,467
"Half day" means I blow
out of here at lunch.
102
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,267
But you always blow out of here
at lunch.
103
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:16,734
You're right. I do.
104
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,701
So today isn't really special
after all
105
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:19,734
unless I leave right now.
106
00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:21,067
Take it sleazy,
Corn Chex.
107
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,968
Anybody needs me, I'll be giving
a much-needed boost
108
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,400
to one of our fine local
business establishments.
109
00:05:29,534 --> 00:05:30,968
Rubber hoses.
110
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,467
Spanish flies.
111
00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:34,200
Chafe-free palm oil...
112
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:38,400
Excuse me. My, uh,
girlfriend and I
113
00:05:38,434 --> 00:05:40,434
are celebrating our third
anniversary next week.
114
00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,734
The third anniversary
commemorated, of course,
115
00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:44,133
by the giving
of leather.
116
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,467
And since you two have the
same magnificent shapeliness,
117
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:48,367
I was wondering if you
could try these on?
118
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,100
Just strike a few poses.
119
00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:52,434
I'll be in a dark corner
where you can't see me.
120
00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:53,901
What are you doing here?
121
00:05:53,934 --> 00:05:56,267
Don't you know
it's time for the drill?
122
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:58,000
The drill?
123
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,334
I've read about that
in specialty magazines,
124
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,434
but I've never
actually tried it.
125
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,601
Ohh! Here's a favorite.
126
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:07,467
This love slave's
ready for flogging!
127
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:10,434
I prefer a half-inch reed,
medium firm.
128
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:13,400
(siren wailing)
129
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:16,434
(crashing)
130
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:18,467
(Duckman yelling)
131
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:20,501
(glass breaking)
132
00:06:20,534 --> 00:06:22,634
(loud clattering)
133
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,434
(siren wailing)
134
00:06:29,834 --> 00:06:30,968
(passing gas)
135
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,467
Single file.
136
00:06:32,501 --> 00:06:33,968
Single file.
137
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,801
Single fi... oh, sorry.
138
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,067
I wonder where Dad is.
139
00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,167
Don't worry. He'd
never miss a chance
140
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,868
to be in a dark
confined space
141
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,200
with thousands
of women.
142
00:06:43,234 --> 00:06:44,667
I don't know. Knowing
that downy dog-doo,
143
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:47,000
he could be doing
something really stupid
144
00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:49,534
like stumbling around town
in a bondage mask or something.
145
00:06:50,934 --> 00:06:52,434
Come on!
146
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:53,901
(yelling)
147
00:06:58,033 --> 00:06:59,501
Hello?
148
00:06:59,534 --> 00:07:01,868
Hello?
149
00:07:01,901 --> 00:07:04,901
Hello!
150
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:06,434
It's empty. Everyone is gone.
151
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,400
There's only one
logical explanation--
152
00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:11,033
a rare communicable disease
has wiped out all of humanity
153
00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:12,334
in the last ten minutes
154
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:14,400
and I've been spared
because of an act of God.
155
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,801
Or because I've already had
156
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:17,901
every rare communicable
disease.
157
00:07:17,934 --> 00:07:20,934
I'm the last person on Earth.
158
00:07:20,968 --> 00:07:25,767
Everyone I know... my family...
they're all gone.
159
00:07:25,801 --> 00:07:27,400
(sniffling)
160
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:29,033
Of course, the death
of all other living things
161
00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,300
does have its benefits-- shorter
lines at the post office,
162
00:07:31,334 --> 00:07:34,567
front row seats for most
major sporting events...
163
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:35,567
(glass smashing)
164
00:07:35,601 --> 00:07:37,934
and pagers!
165
00:07:44,334 --> 00:07:46,601
(tires squealing)
166
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,534
(loud crash)
167
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:56,334
(rock and roll playing)
168
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:32,501
This isn't a biosphere,
it's a sewer.
169
00:08:32,534 --> 00:08:36,601
Friends, neighbors,
remember why we're here.
170
00:08:36,634 --> 00:08:39,033
Let's all pitch in
171
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,968
and stop acting like a bunch
of puking little nipple-suckers
172
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,000
with ten pound Pampers
173
00:08:45,033 --> 00:08:49,901
or I'll pull your spleens
out through your noses!
174
00:08:49,934 --> 00:08:51,334
Thank you.
175
00:08:51,367 --> 00:08:54,067
Now any minute, the major from
the Disaster Preparedness Agency
176
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,734
will issue the all-clear
177
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,767
on this special hot line.
178
00:08:57,801 --> 00:08:59,767
Perhaps Mayor Gallagher
will give us
179
00:08:59,801 --> 00:09:01,767
a few words of inspiration.
180
00:09:01,801 --> 00:09:03,901
There's a special place in hell
181
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,901
for those of you
who brought dogs.
182
00:09:06,934 --> 00:09:09,767
Next, a man you know not only
183
00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:12,200
for the fabulous Rice Krispies
squares he makes
184
00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:14,434
for the Raise-Money-to-Wipe-Out-
Wayne-County bake sale
185
00:09:14,467 --> 00:09:17,601
every year, but for his
songsational performances
186
00:09:17,634 --> 00:09:21,000
in our annual production
of Fiddler on the Roof.
187
00:09:21,033 --> 00:09:22,334
Cornfed!
188
00:09:22,367 --> 00:09:23,667
(applause)
189
00:09:23,701 --> 00:09:25,300
Hola. Some of you
might remember
190
00:09:25,334 --> 00:09:26,934
that I got my psych degree
191
00:09:26,968 --> 00:09:29,434
right down the street
at Nicastro Community College.
192
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:30,601
Chuckle.
193
00:09:30,634 --> 00:09:34,467
I see some fellow NCC alums...
"Go Ringworms."
194
00:09:34,501 --> 00:09:36,133
Anyway, I've been asked
to talk to you
195
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:37,567
because these drills
can be traumatic,
196
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,834
reminding us how at any moment
we could hear that siren
197
00:09:39,868 --> 00:09:42,234
and suddenly be faced
with earth-shattering news.
198
00:09:42,267 --> 00:09:44,267
The earth's shattering!
Tevye said so!
199
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:47,934
We're doomed! I knew we should
have built that space ark!
200
00:09:47,968 --> 00:09:49,601
(screaming)
201
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,968
Anything else,
Dr. Fear?
202
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:55,934
(whistles)
203
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,667
Ahem. As I was saying,
despite our concerns,
204
00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:00,968
we should all be mature enough
205
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,334
to suppress the kind
of primal, destructive behavior
206
00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,434
that comes in a time of crisis.
207
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:09,934
(cackling)
208
00:10:09,968 --> 00:10:11,601
Ex-puh-ired!
209
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:13,267
Ooga-bugga, gagga-pullanga.
210
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,534
CORNFED:
But if someone does snap,
for safety's sake,
211
00:10:15,567 --> 00:10:18,100
you should be able to recognize
the stages he'll go through.
212
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:21,501
First is indulgence
in petty revenges.
213
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,834
That's for revoking
my license.
214
00:10:23,868 --> 00:10:28,100
That's for making women expect
an orgasm every damn time.
215
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,067
That's for sucking.
216
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,667
Damn you, Siskel,
you've won this round,
217
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,567
but I'll be back.
218
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,767
CORNFED:
But then, melancholia intrudes.
219
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:42,801
My family, my friends--
220
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:45,400
hell,
my whole calling circle-- gone.
221
00:10:45,434 --> 00:10:49,467
I even miss Berni... Berni...
the bitch.
222
00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:51,434
And he'll gravitate to a place
where he feels
223
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,567
safe and nurtured.
224
00:10:53,601 --> 00:10:55,400
WOMAN:
Ooh, baby, give me
a big woodcock.
225
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:57,534
I love North American
game birds.
226
00:10:57,567 --> 00:10:59,033
MAN: Can you
handle my woodcock,
227
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,133
which is like a
long-billed sandpiper?
228
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:02,167
I'd love to pet
229
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,601
the soft brown-gray
plumage of a woodcock,
230
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:06,868
the actual name
of a kind of bird.
231
00:11:06,901 --> 00:11:10,200
Mmm, that woodcock bird
feels great.
232
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,868
Refreshed, he becomes
233
00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:13,334
more violent.
234
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:15,334
Inexorably drawn
to entropy and chaos.
235
00:11:15,367 --> 00:11:16,968
To quote Jeff Goldblum...
236
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,367
Uh, Uncle Cornfed.
237
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,667
People stopped listening
an hour ago.
238
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,934
They were hotter
under the collar
239
00:11:22,968 --> 00:11:25,434
than a priest with
deep heating rub
240
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:27,501
inside his, uh...
clerical collar.
241
00:11:27,534 --> 00:11:30,467
Hey, it's my first joke
in eight episodes.
242
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:31,801
Lay off.
243
00:11:31,834 --> 00:11:33,400
(muttering)
244
00:11:33,434 --> 00:11:38,501
* Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh! *
245
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:41,501
You were all being
a bunch of grumpa-lumps.
246
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,000
So we decided to throw
a Christmas party
247
00:11:44,033 --> 00:11:45,667
and make you hap-hap-happy.
248
00:11:45,701 --> 00:11:49,267
We made a tree from items
that were strewn about.
249
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:52,634
Mostly tinfoil, newsprint
and feces.
250
00:11:52,667 --> 00:11:56,334
I don't know what feces are,
but they smell like crap.
251
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,400
We want out before the pig
starts talking again.
252
00:11:59,434 --> 00:12:01,968
This crowd
is more excitable
253
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,701
than Cokie Roberts
after a few drinks.
254
00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:07,701
Whoo-hoo!
255
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:36,567
I've had it.
256
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:38,534
I'm calling Washington now.
257
00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:54,467
No phones, explosions
and we've been here for hours.
258
00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:57,300
It's time somebody
finds out what's going on.
259
00:12:57,334 --> 00:12:59,934
We saw a movie
where during a drill
260
00:12:59,968 --> 00:13:01,868
terrorists
took over the city.
261
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:04,434
I saw a movie
where, during a drill,
262
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:06,300
terrorists
took over the city.
263
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,968
Ajax, that's
the same movie.
264
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,634
Actually, they're
all the same movie.
265
00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,634
That's why
Hollywood films
266
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,801
are like visits
from old friends.
267
00:13:14,834 --> 00:13:16,467
Hey, Zippy,
that isn't helping.
268
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,801
And neither is this
view of Bernice.
269
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,000
ALL:
Ew.
270
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,467
This is getting creepy.
271
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,801
And we still don't
know where Dad is.
272
00:13:23,834 --> 00:13:25,434
(explosion)
273
00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:28,234
Though a picture
is starting to form.
274
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,300
Wow, for someone
surrounded by devastation
275
00:13:32,334 --> 00:13:34,133
I am one lucky duck.
276
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:36,767
I found food, kindling
and a soft seat.
277
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,834
Holy sh...!
278
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:53,667
I am Iron Man!
279
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:55,100
Uh-oh.
280
00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:08,901
Phew. No harm done.
281
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:11,968
That's either 800 tons of raging
destructive flood water
282
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,434
or Rush Limbaugh
on rollerblades.
283
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:17,901
Will you stop with your
dry little pig jokes.
284
00:14:17,934 --> 00:14:20,400
Everyone thinks
your butt is huge.
285
00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:21,100
(gasps)
286
00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:26,367
(screaming)
287
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,968
Gloriosky.
Being trapped in a sewer
288
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,334
isn't everything
I'd dreamed it would be.
289
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,200
Our only way out
290
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:35,534
is to float up to
that drainage pipe.
291
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,901
Stay there.
We'll get you out.
292
00:14:43,934 --> 00:14:46,400
What are you
supposed to be?
293
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:48,334
I'm Akers,
the waiter, madam.
294
00:14:48,367 --> 00:14:50,534
The employment agency
sent me.
295
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:51,801
Why would they
send a waiter
296
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:53,367
to a disaster drill
in the sewer?
297
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,934
It's a very bad
employment agency, madam.
298
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:57,400
Canap�?
299
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,734
Boy, I'm learning a little
something about being alone.
300
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:03,934
I miss other people more
than I thought I would.
301
00:15:03,968 --> 00:15:08,634
The companionship, the sharing,
the simple human contact.
302
00:15:08,667 --> 00:15:09,601
Get away!
303
00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:11,834
It's mine, mine, mine, mine!
304
00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:17,133
A woman!
305
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:22,634
And she's so beautiful,
serene, angelic.
306
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:25,634
I almost feel bad
about staring at her knockers.
307
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:33,834
Wow. I can't
believe someone
308
00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:36,701
broke into the old brassiere-
on-a-stick warehouse
309
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:37,901
before I did.
310
00:15:37,934 --> 00:15:39,534
We may be the only ones left.
311
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,567
I should extend
the hand of friendship,
312
00:15:41,601 --> 00:15:42,834
find a way to connect.
313
00:15:42,868 --> 00:15:44,567
Last woman on earth,
I'm Duckman.
314
00:15:44,601 --> 00:15:45,767
So, enough small talk.
315
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:47,133
Those leotards
got a snap?
316
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,334
Oh, great. I'm the only guy
on Earth she can have sex with
317
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:54,267
and she still wants me
to buy her dinner.
318
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:00,868
What's the matter
you a deaf-mute?
319
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,534
Why didn't you say so?
320
00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:06,934
Your name.
I have to know your name.
321
00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:09,234
Let's see, uh,
Amy? Emily? Grvslv?
322
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,567
Shot in the dark.
323
00:16:10,601 --> 00:16:13,801
That was the name
on my first restraining order.
324
00:16:16,067 --> 00:16:17,334
Oh, gymnast, huh?
325
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,133
So, you must have
been training so hard,
326
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:21,067
you didn't notice
everyone disappear.
327
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,200
Okay, Grvslv,
here's what's up.
328
00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:27,200
Wait a minute.
329
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:28,801
She has no idea what's going on.
330
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:30,767
She's probably been wandering
the city for hours,
331
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:31,767
alone and afraid.
332
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:33,367
I better break it to her easy.
333
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,033
Everyone's dead.
334
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,133
Let's loot.
335
00:16:56,601 --> 00:16:58,400
(low rumbling)
336
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,000
Do you hear something?
337
00:17:00,033 --> 00:17:02,367
It sounds like...
ball bearings.
338
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:08,801
Oh. My. God.
339
00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:12,133
(screaming)
340
00:17:18,334 --> 00:17:19,834
There's something wrong.
341
00:17:19,868 --> 00:17:21,234
The pipe's plugged up.
342
00:17:21,267 --> 00:17:23,200
We won't have oxygen
for long.
343
00:17:23,234 --> 00:17:25,367
There must be some
way out of here.
344
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,267
Hand grenade, hand grenade...
tuxedo!
345
00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:37,000
(labored breathing
and wheezing)
346
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:42,167
You know, lack of
oxygen to the brain
347
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,567
can sometimes cause a reversal
of the usual thinking patterns.
348
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:47,501
Hey, Bernice,
is that your rear end
349
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,467
or did a couple of
Galapagos turtles
350
00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:52,334
die in your pants?
351
00:17:52,367 --> 00:17:53,400
(growls)
352
00:17:53,434 --> 00:17:54,567
(laughing)
353
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:59,601
Look, the pipe's
been blown open.
354
00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:01,834
There's something
outside.
355
00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:06,701
Incredible. It looks like
some kind of lost city.
356
00:18:06,734 --> 00:18:09,133
There's a temple
dedicated to the arts.
357
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:11,701
And another honoring
the poor and needy.
358
00:18:11,734 --> 00:18:13,801
It appears to be
the charred remains
359
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:16,567
of a civilization
made up entirely of democrats.
360
00:18:22,100 --> 00:18:23,267
Well, go ahead,
Grvslv.
361
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,400
Anything on the menu.
362
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:25,934
Granted,
all the fresh food
363
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:27,767
is rotting
and covered with maggots,
364
00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:30,200
but on the bright side,
we don't have to tip.
365
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,868
You know, uh, Grvslv,
it's always been a dream of mine
366
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,067
to meet a woman
who could bend over backwards
367
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,100
and lick her heels
but can't yell for help.
368
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,801
(screaming)
369
00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:44,200
There's someone
out there.
370
00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:46,834
There's only one
logical explanation--
371
00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:47,934
space mutants!
372
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:49,767
Dr. Geller, how
are you readings?
373
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:51,434
Normal.
I don't understand it.
374
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,334
When we lost contact
with the city,
375
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:56,167
I feared the worst,
but what hideous, mindless force
376
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,701
could have caused
such death and destruction?
377
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:00,701
No lights!
They can see us.
378
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:11,567
Flaming kneepads.
379
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,567
What next?
380
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:15,434
Canap�?
381
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:17,834
Well, if there's anything
I can do for you...
382
00:19:17,868 --> 00:19:19,734
Wait a minute. Someone has
to go through that door
383
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:20,834
and see if it's safe.
384
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,133
Akers?
385
00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:24,334
If there's anything else
I can do for you.
386
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:26,534
It's our only chance, Akers.
387
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,968
Come on, be a man.
388
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,033
Oh, no. You just want me to go
because I'm expendable.
389
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,534
You're the regulars.
390
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:33,767
I'm the guest star.
391
00:19:33,801 --> 00:19:36,033
I'll die,
and you'll instantly forget me.
392
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,534
That's ridiculous.
393
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,000
Here, let me help you.
394
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:42,167
(screaming)
395
00:19:43,868 --> 00:19:46,968
I'm afraid the fire
has killed, uh...
396
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,000
What was his name?
397
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:49,067
I'm not sure.
398
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,067
I forget.
399
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:51,501
Never mind. Not important.
400
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:52,934
You stay here, Grvslv.
401
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:55,100
I'm going to go
reason with them.
402
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,234
Oh, no!
Bullets bounce right off them.
403
00:20:05,267 --> 00:20:06,434
We better run for it.
404
00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:08,534
Actually, you run,
I'll take the car.
405
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:09,868
You know, like a decoy.
406
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:11,234
Oh, never mind.
407
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:12,300
Let's go.
408
00:20:14,534 --> 00:20:16,667
Ah! My ankle!
409
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:19,734
Ah! My other ankle!
410
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:23,067
Ah! My thigh!
411
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,501
What are you doing?
412
00:20:24,534 --> 00:20:26,067
Oh, no! They hear
our language
413
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,334
and learn it instantly!
414
00:20:27,367 --> 00:20:29,033
No! Don't eat me! Eat her!
415
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:31,501
Once you've had gymnast,
you'll never go back.
416
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,334
You can't hear, right?
417
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:42,501
(yelling)
418
00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:43,801
Bernice!
419
00:20:43,834 --> 00:20:45,067
Thank God you've come!
420
00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:47,400
I'm about to be eaten
by space zombies!
421
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,033
There's nothing
for us here.
422
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:50,734
Let's head back
to the sewer.
423
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:52,834
You idiot,
we're scientists.
424
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:55,367
Oh. Heh-heh-heh.
Well, I knew that.
425
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,701
Obviously, a space mutant
426
00:20:56,734 --> 00:20:58,868
would have to be
some kind of a scientist.
427
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,000
What's going
on here?
428
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,300
It was a drill.
429
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,801
The whole city
took refuge
430
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,234
in an underground
shelter
431
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,067
and somehow,
something happened
432
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,567
to trap us
under the earth
433
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:14,767
and destroy the city.
434
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:21,267
Hey, if you think I had
anything to do with this...
435
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,300
Duckman did this
to our city!
436
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:27,634
Let's get him!
437
00:21:27,667 --> 00:21:28,934
(clamoring)
438
00:21:28,968 --> 00:21:32,000
Wait. This isn't
Duckman's fault.
439
00:21:32,033 --> 00:21:33,434
I don't mean that literally,
of course.
440
00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:34,400
It's absolutely his fault
441
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:35,634
and he should be
severely punished,
442
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:37,801
but none of us
has anything to be proud of
443
00:21:37,834 --> 00:21:39,868
after the way we acted
in that shelter.
444
00:21:39,901 --> 00:21:42,767
In a sense, we were
no better than Duckman.
445
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:44,534
Again,
I'm speaking figuratively.
446
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,000
We were a lot better
than Duckman,
447
00:21:46,033 --> 00:21:47,634
but the point is...
448
00:21:47,667 --> 00:21:50,934
Aw, hell,
I can't even convince myself.
449
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:52,534
Let's get him.
450
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:54,567
(screaming)
451
00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:04,467
(siren wailing)
452
00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:09,501
(explosions)
453
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:11,000
(people screaming)
454
00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:12,501
(glass breaking)
455
00:22:12,534 --> 00:22:13,667
(gunfire)
456
00:22:13,701 --> 00:22:15,167
(explosions)
457
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,167
(people screaming)
458
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,834
(explosions)
459
00:22:20,868 --> 00:22:22,834
(people screaming)
460
00:22:22,868 --> 00:22:25,100
(siren wailing)
461
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:38,934
CORNFED:
Oh. My. God.